…to take care of each other…
look at me from the outside and you’ll see a cat that seems to have it “together”, a job, a house, a family but inside, in the middle of the night or at church on Sunday everything comes down.
10 years of marriage, countless moves, countless nights running to the bank just to cover the credit card bill with money earned from selling off my clothes….I’m a wreck. Confusion, frustration, vice and villainy. Hidden well while the mothers in the grocery stores pull their kids away. Keep the John Wayne on the outside while Elmo sits quivering in a corner. Deep inside those places that don’t come up often hides the weight of supporting, encouraging and keeping a family running. Trying to keep myself sane while being sane enough to make the best decisions. Projects I take on to make a living, projects I take on to keep my mind working, working hard not to waste the talent given to me, to encourage, to step outside of my day and the junk that is laid in front of me and walk the upright walk, talk the upright talk and make sure I’m doing what is right for my family.
No matter how many deadbeat dads there are, no matter how many criddled wastes of “fathers” there are… Tell someone you;ve been married for 10 years, have 4 kids and call yourself a Father, people automatically think you’ve nailed it, you’ve settled down, you’re rolling with the punches but… I can’t be content with that, I can not be content with coming home, making sure everyone’s settled, everyone’s taken care of, I can’t sit complacent and just take what life gives. I have to be doing something at all hours of the day, every minute, every frantic minute. I’ve bitten off a lot, a lot more than most with 4 and just the fact that we’ve been together 10 years and I’ve never one thought of taking off says something about me. Says I’ll stick with it and do what I committed to, no matter the personal cost.
Kids out there with bikes/skateboards/films/cars up the wazoo, looking for the next trip, the next fashion statement have no clue what life is. Life isn’t getting the bike done, hangin with bros, getting it in a magazine to make you something. Life is about taking what you want to do and covering it up, putting it aside so you can do what is right. Taking the Chevy and pulling it in the garage for a year while you wait for the cash to rebuild it, putting the bikes under tarps and finagle them when it can happen, push it to the back of your mind so obsession doesn’t set in and bitterness grow. It’s about finding your kicks where you can, in whatever situation you can.
I haven’t skated in two years, haven’t driven the bomb in one year, haven’t ridden a bike since I sold the last one to pay for carpet. I want to let the animal out, the one that will tell you to fuck off and die, the one that will smash you in the face for the next stupid thing you say but….there’s too much at stake, too many people relying on me to embarrass the family, not make the wrong move and forever change their perception. We all have it in us, we all play the game but what are you ultimately playing the game for? Something lasting, something eternal of just the next notch in your belt, the next photo on the bulletin board?
Roman
